Q & A: Raising kids in a
sexualized society
NBC Today Show
August 6,
2008
Read the transcript from their Today
Show Appearance Below
The authors of the book “So
Sexy So Soon,” Diane Levin and Jean Kilbourne,
answer questions about how today's sexualized culture
affects kids as young as 7 years old, and they offer
tips on how parents can address this with their
children.
Q: Hasn’t the “sex
sells” mantra in advertising been around for a long
time? Why is it a particularly important issue nowadays?
A: Although it is true that sex has
been used to sell products for a very long time, the
sexual images these days are far more graphic and
pornographic than ever before. Sexual images are also
used to target younger and younger children, and we are
seeing the harmful results in their behavior.
Q: You say the
“sexualization of childhood” affects boys, as well as
girls, negatively. Can you expand on this?
A: Boys learn to see girls as objects
and judge and value them by how they look and how “sexy”
they are. And boys are taught to conform to a very
narrow definition of masculinity — being tough and
invulnerable and aggressive. This can make it very
difficult for boys to become men capable of having
positive, caring, and connected relationships. This is a
very high price to pay.
Q: Among girls,
self-esteem is so tied to looking and dressing “sexy.”
How can parents help their daughters feel good about
themselves while setting rules for dress/makeup that are
age-appropriate?
A: First, it is very important for parents to
set rules for dress/makeup that are age-appropriate. Let
children be children — let's not rush them into
adulthood. There's no reason for 5-year-old girls to
have makeover parties! We can help our girls develop a
wide range of ways to feel good about themselves that go
way beyond how they look. We can encourage them to use
their bodies in healthy ways, such as in sports and play
— so they learn to love and appreciate their bodies for
what they can do, not just how decorative they are.
Q: The trend among
teens of “hooking up” seems to be the norm. Is that
really the case, and what is the problem with this?
A: From our
interviews and research, “hooking up” does seem to be
the norm and it seems to be occurring at younger and
younger ages. This casual approach to sex encourages
tweens and teens to see each other as objects to be used
and discarded. When youth engage in sex primarily
outside of caring relationships, they lose the
opportunity to learn about intimacy and authentic
connection.
Q: How do parents
really know what’s going on in their teens’ sexual
lives? How do they encourage healthy relationships when
everything around the teens encourages the opposite?
A: The best way for parents to know
what is going on in their teens' sexual lives is to have
begun the conversation years before. When children learn
at a very early age that it is safe to ask any question
and raise any concern and when they know their parents
will answer these questions honestly and respectfully,
they are much more likely to confide in their parents
when they are teens. These conversations shouldn’t be
just about sex, of course, but rather about a whole
range of topics — everything that concerns and interests
children.
It is never too late to begin,
however. Parents can say to their teens that they wish
they'd begun the conversation earlier but they are open
to talking about anything and everything now. This
doesn't mean “The Talk” — it means many conversations,
including brief ones, over time. These conversations
should be about what constitutes a healthy relationship
as well as about sex.
Of course, we should also do
our best to model healthy relationships with our
children, our partners, and with others in our lives.
Q: When should parents
start addressing issues of sexuality with their kids? Is
there a “too young” or “too soon”?
A: Actually, we need to begin when
children are young — even at birth as we help babies
feel good and experience pleasure from their bodies
(which is not just about sex, of course). It is never
“too young” or “too soon.” Children often ask questions,
but parents also need to be proactive and create
openings by commenting on things they notice. The
information given should be age-appropriate, of course,
and respectful of the needs of the child. And it should
grow out of conversations rather than being conveyed as
a lecture. What’s most important is establishing an
ongoing, safe relationship with our children when they
are young so that they feel safe asking about the big
issues when they arise.
Q: How do parents
protect their children from sexualized images without
sheltering them too much or being overbearing?
A: Read our book! There is no simple
answer to this question — no one formula for “getting it
right.” But there are many things parents can do to make
it a whole lot better, and “So Sexy So Soon” gives lots
of ideas and tips for the many kinds of situations that
may arise.
We can filter out many of the
images but certainly not all. As always, it is important
to have conversations with children about the images
they see (which often are very disturbing to young
children) and to be open to their concerns and
questions.
We also should be teaching
media literacy in our schools — teaching our children to
be critical viewers — so that the burden isn't entirely
on parents.
Q: What is the most
common question you get from parents, and how do you
answer it?
A: We
constantly hear from parents that they are aware that
sexualization is a problem and that they encounter it
even with their very young children. But many feel
powerless to stem the tide, in spite of all their
efforts. So the most common question is “What can I do?”
We acknowledge that parenting is more difficult than
ever these days and that no one does it perfectly
(including us!). But there are many things we can do to
make things better.
Of course, this is what our
entire book is about and we can't condense it here. It's
important to become aware of the problem and to
understand why it is occurring now (for example, to
understand the relationship of sexualization to
marketing). Society shouldn’t be making it more
difficult for parents to do their job at every turn. It
is important to take action, both individually and
collectively, to make a better world for our children
and for all children.
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